


Take my pain [Changlix]

by Exo_cat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slight Cursing, and both of them are happy, but felix comes back, changbin is in love with felix but he takes his time to realise that, changbin is sad, changbix, changlix, felix is eliminated, it's really fluffy at the end, leader chan, mentioning JYP, mentioning Lee Minho, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 20:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15468957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exo_cat/pseuds/Exo_cat
Summary: What Changbin thinks about Felix' elimintaion and what happens after that and after their live showcase. It's kind of sad at the start but it get's fluffy, believe me.





	Take my pain [Changlix]

**Author's Note:**

> I've watched the Stray Kids survival show recently and the moment Felix got eliminated made me so sad I cried for a few minutes straight. But it also inspired me to write this. I'm new to Stray Kids so I don't know if I've gotten their characters well but I tried. Changbin's thoughts at Felix elimination and JYP are equal to my thoughts because I was so mad at him for doing this.  
> This is a fictional work. Everything the characters do and say is fictional and made up by me.  
> Enjoy! :)

‘It’s my fault.’ This is the first thought coming to my mind as I hear pd-nim finish his sentence. I should have done more for him. More teaching, more reassuring, more… I don’t know, just more. I barely hear what Felix is answering him and don’t really register what’s happening around me. The head of the company has left, I guess, as all the members leave the straight line we were standing in and try to realise what has just happened. We’re loosing another member. Not just another member, we’re loosing Felix. Fucking Felix with his big smile, his never ending love for all of the members, his deep ass voice, his soothing hugs, his cute freckles, his everything. This isn’t fair. This isn’t fucking fair. JYP can’t do this, he just can’t. Felix was putting in so much effort, he was always trying more than his best, he was not only practicing dancing and rapping but also the whole language, just to get a ‘You’re not good enough.’. Fuck you, JYP, just fuck you.  
Hearing Chan-hyung say something in English brings me back to reality, though, in the second I look around and take my surroundings in, I really wish I could have stayed in my thoughts. Seeing the members cry, shattered, unable to process the reality once again in just a short time breaks my heart. Seeing Chan-hyung’s eyes, filled with pure guilt and pain, rips my heart out of my chest. He has done so much, not sleeping, not caring about himself, just to get all of us through this. Well, all of us that remained after Minho-hyung. But the worst thing is seeing Felix, seeing how the look on his face changes from utter disbelieve to pure defeat. Seeing how tears build up in the eyes I secretly loved looking at. That crashes me. It leads me to stumble back, tears dwelling in my own eyes until my back hits the wall of the practice room and my legs give up beneath me.  
Sitting there, between all these broken people that have become my family in such a short time, the pain finally hits me. My vision gets blurry, my whole body hurts and trembles and I try so hard to prevent myself from making any noises because I feel like it’s getting too much. The whole stress of the previous missions, the lack of sleep and a proper rest, the constant worry, not only to be the one who gets eliminated but also to loose another member, another friend, the still lingering pain from Minho-hyungs elimination, the look in Felix’ eyes. It hurts, to a point where I think that it’s impossible for one human being to handle.  
Among being eaten up by my own pain I suddenly feel hands on my shoulders, holding me, trying to bring me back to the practice room I’m into, but also kind of clasping onto me as to steady the one these hands belong to. I feel someone leaning in, invading my personal space, but recognizing that familiar scent I couldn’t care less. As Felix pulls me into a hug, I start muttering, telling him the thoughts that circle in my head, how sorry I am, so, so sorry. I hug him back, clutch onto him, not wanting to let him go, don’t ever want to leave this position with him, having him so close, with me, safe. He leans back a little bit, just so much that he can look into my eyes, his face puffy from crying and the pain painted in his features as he asks me why I’m sorry and though I want to say so much I can’t even bring out one word. My mouth opens, helplessly, without the sound. He observes me closely and I look back into his eyes, my face not seeming any different from his, I guess, and he understands what I want to say but can’t and pulls me back into the hug.  
He always understands. Since the moment we first met, the first time I saw this cute little boy Chan-hyung collected somewhere we had this connection – at least, I felt it. I always was the kind of person to help others, just like I did with all of the members when they were lacking or needed somebody during the missions but I developed this particularly soft spot for Felix. He just draw me in the first time I heard his deep and comfy voice, which I didn’t expect from such a sweet and soft kid like him, the first time I’ve heard his broken Korean, seen his freckles up close, seen his effort, his smile… He has just amazed me and he still does.  
All of these moments come back to my mind now, as I’m sitting here, crying with him on this damn practice room floor and I just cry more and hold him a little tighter, never wanting this to end, to let go, not only of his warm embrace but of him in general.

-

Preparing for the live broadcast is really stressful. Especially if you have to adjust an eight-member stage to seven members. And it’s even worse if you have to take the choreography part of the missing member. Worst, if that missing member is Felix. At first, I was sure to say no to doing the hoverboard part. I just couldn’t to this, I’m not Felix. And though I avoided looking at the members, I could hear in their voices that they didn’t really expect me to do his part because ever since Felix’ elimination everyone knew for sure how much I care about this boy. But I remembered the words he whispered to me as we sat on the practice room floor, clasping onto each other and I kept apologizing to him. “You have to be strong for me, hyung. You have to fight and you have to debut, okay? There’s nothing you have to be sorry for now, but there will be if you don’t keep going. I will, too. I promise. Both of us have to keep going, okay? Okay, hyung?” I still can hear the crack in his voice at the end. And I remember that I have promised him to keep fighting. That’s the only reason I agree to take his part. It’s hard and one of the killing points of the choreography and I have to do my best to replace him though it breaks my heart. I just have to do it. For him.  
Honestly, I was sure Chan-hyung would come and speak to me after the dance practice and he did as I expected. He is a very good leader, always caring for everyone, sacrificing his sleep, well-being and power for us to make sure we can debut together, and he also is a very good friend which I am thankful for. I always knew I could come and talk to him whenever I have a problem but I didn’t feel like bothering him with the whole Felix-thing. He has enough problems right now, he doesn’t need my broken heart, too. At least, not telling him was my plan until he came to me when the cameras weren’t filming us and asked with his deeply caring eyes if taking Felix’ part was really okay. It wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t. And this feeling kind of suffocates me.  
“Don’t worry about it, hyung. I’ll get over it”, I manage to say though it doesn’t feel like this. “It’s just… I really like him and I miss him. A lot. But I have to keep strong. It’s going to be okay eventually.” I try to smile at the end but even I can feel how wrong it looks like and how weak my voice sounds.  
“You don’t have to, you know. Take Felix’ part and always be strong, I mean. We could figure another way out to do the choreo. And it’s okay to be sad. I am, too. God, I miss the kids so much.”  
He doesn’t show his pain very often so it hurts me to see how worn-out and whacked he looks. Following a sudden instinct I pull him into a hug. “I know. Same goes for you, hyung. But I’ll be fine, really. We’ll be fine.” This time, my reassuring smile isn’t fake.  
He tiredly smiles back. “Sure. Go, see him. He’s still in this building every day. Talk to him.”  
I just nod vaguely. Of course I want to see Felix. More than everything. I got used to seeing him everyday so fast that it’s really strange to not be around him. But my mind is flooded with doubts. Will it be okay to see him? Will it be awkward? Has anything changed in our friendship because we can’t debut together? Does he even want to see me or am I just reminding him of all the pain the elimination caused?  
“Don’t think so much, Changbin-ah. Just do it.” With that, Chan-hyung’s hand pats my back and he returns to work. Hesitantly I leave the practice room. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should look after Felix. 

-

After writing him a text message we meet in one of the smaller practice rooms without cameras. Technically we’re not allowed to do this because they want to document us every we practice to keep it ‘real’ for the fans. But technically, Stray Kids is also a nine-member group and JYP decided to change that so I decide to change the rules regarding the show just this little bit. He will survive it.  
At the moment I enter the room and see Felix sitting at the small desk, a hand preventing his head from falling down, looking at his Korean work book like it’s an annoying insect I silently thank Chan-hyung for talking me into this. I can’t describe the happiness and relief I feel by looking at this image. Even if we haven’t seen each other for only a few days I’ve missed him like hell.  
“Hey, Lix”, I say, honestly smiling and somehow feeling warm. Must be the temperature in this small room. “How have you been doing?”  
“Binnie-hyung”, he answers and stands up to hug me. I’m normally a little careful with hugs but I don’t care much. I’m just happy to feel his arms around me again. With that tingly sensation in my stomach – I should have eaten before coming here, I guess -, I even feel a little giddy. After some seconds Felix releases me and we sit down, chairs so close that our knees touch. Seems like both of us don’t want to let go of this feeling of being near to each other.  
“I don’t know how I’ve been. Still sad, I think. But I worked a lot, like I promised. Dancing, rapping and especially with my Korean. My teacher said my pronunciation got better.” The corners of his lips twitch while remembering the praise.  
“Show me, then”, I answer and with that we just sit next to each other and I help him learning. It feels like this whole elimination thing never happened and I cling to that feeling only for this short moment. Having him with me still makes me forget all of my stress and problems.  
After an hour I have to get back to practice myself. We hug for the last time and promise each other to meet more often.  
As I get back in the practice room and see the other members, the reality comes back. I really want to debut as Stray Kids with nine members somehow. I guess we all do.

-

It isn’t the first time pd-nim interrupts our practice but it’s the first time I have such a strong impulse to punch him. I still can’t get over the two eliminations and he’s really starting to annoy me. If he let’s Chan build his own team, he shouldn’t take two members from us after we got used to each other. It just isn’t fair.  
However, as fast as my anger has built up, it comes to an end: exactly at the moment when Minho-hyung and Felix enter the practice room. It feels so surreal, having them here with us, being a full group again, finally. Felix locks eyes with me as soon as he stands besides JYP and I can’t help but smile seeing his face so full of luck and happiness. My body feels warm but I guess it’s the excitement about training all together again.  
After some warm greetings and hugs we start practicing ‘Hellevator’ and I can’t believe how thrilled I am. Suddenly, all the nervousness and worries about the live show disappear and, even if it’s only for this short moment, I feel whole again. Not hurt, not tired, not done, just good. And though the practice is hard and we have to work a lot to make the live broadcast a success, being with Minho-hyung and Felix again makes us feel strong. We are going do debut as Stray Kids. All of us!

-

I can’t even tell how I feel like now. Having these stages together, getting so good response from the fans and even hearing some compliments for the members from JYP made me very happy but finally hearing we’re going to debut as a team of nine makes me feel like I’ll explode from happiness. As Felix hugs me and holds me, tightly, out of cheerfulness this time, shivering because of excitement not because of pain, I can’t even tell if it’s only the safe debut or his presence that makes me melt but I couldn’t care less at the moment. I just want to hold him and be together with him forever and this time I know I can, that even if I let go of him we’ll be in one team nevertheless.  
The feelings linger until all of us sit together in the evening, celebrating our upcoming debut, talking and laughing together. I feel like home here because I’m with these bunch of crazy guys who are my family now and I couldn’t dream of anyone else to be it. It’s perfect the way it is.  
Or, well, it may have gotten a little bit more perfect as Felix asked me to take a walk – just the two of us. Chan was happy to let us go though I couldn’t quite decipher what his smirk and wink in my direction had meant.  
We’re sitting on the grass near a small lake now, wide away from the public points which are always filled with tourists. Felix breaks the comfortable silence while watching some birds in the distance: “I’m so happy to be with you, Binnie-hyung. Not just here, but in general. In the group. I was so scared of loosing you as I got eliminated.”  
“You’d never have lost me, Lix. We still would’ve been friends, even if we wouldn’t debut in the same group, you know”, I answer and give him a reassuring smile though he can’t see it.  
“Yeah, right, friends.” His voice sounds a little uneasy and I look at him worriedly. “Anyways”, he coughed awkwardly, “I wanted to thank you once again for helping me so much, hyung. Without you I never would’ve been able to debut.” He still doesn’t look at me.  
“Nothing to be thankful for. I’d do everything for you.” In the moment the words leave my mouth, I know I mean them. Nearly loosing him, experiencing how a life without him is showed me more than everything how much he means to me. And I know, though I always try to convince myself it isn’t true that the feelings I have for him are more than what I feel about the other Stray Kids members. I love all of them but Felix is just more. He not only makes me want to protect him at all costs, to help him with his struggles and hardships and to make sure he’s happy like it’s with the other ones. No, he makes me want to hold him, to be near him every time I see him, to take his pain and problems, to be the reason he smiles, to be his anchor and his favourite hyung. He makes me feel things, like I’m as old as Jeongin, a giddy happy teenager with a huge crush. And it took me way too long to notice that I am in love with him. But kissing his cheek this one afternoon we played Jenga with Minho, seeing his squirming beneath my touch and his cute little screams my heart melted but I obviously needed to loose him to really understand that. I’m so stubborn sometimes. So I’m even more happy to be here with him now and even if he doesn’t like me back I don’t care. Because being with him in what relationship ever is all I’ll ever need.  
He stops my track of thoughts by asking “Would you really do everything for me, hyung?” with a cockiness in his voice I’ve never heard before and I’m kind of afraid I’m turning crazy because of it.  
“Yes”, I mumble.  
He turns his head to me and grins. “Kiss me again, then.”  
I’m totally taken aback be his answer and it takes me a few moments to collect myself and understand what he’s saying. My breath hitches and my heartbeat fastens. “Wh-What?”  
“You heard me. Please, hyung”, he whines and I think I’m loosing it. As I lean forward I can feel blood rushing to my neck and I hope he doesn’t notice.  
My lips touch his soft skin and linger on his cheek for a few seconds. Longer than at the Jenga-afternoon. As I lean back, I can see a tint of read at the tips of his ears and suddenly I’m the one who’s smirking. “Pleased, Lix?”, I ask as innocently as I can manage.  
He looks at me and there are so many feelings in his eyes, trust, hope, affection that I can feel myself blush. Slowly he moves his head til our noses touch. “More, please, hyung”, he whispers and my body reacts faster than I can think and leans forward to kiss him. It was the right decision because his lips are soft and the kiss is sweet and gentle but very meaningful. His hands find their way to my waist and I let mine caress his neck. As we stop the kiss to look at each other, both of us are smiling.  
“I really like you, hyung, and I’m happy we can debut together.”  
“Me too, Lix, me too.” With that I lean in and kiss him again.


End file.
